Grieving...a process

As many of you may or may not know, I found out I was pregnant on October 21. We were so excited and couldn't wait to tell people. So, the next day I called many friends to share the exciting news that around July 2, Reef would be a big brother! We were discussing ways to tell our parents, and we had planned on taking wall paper down in our kitchen, living room and bathroom and repainting, so it was the perfect guise to get them all there at one time.

The date was set for Oct 28, just one week after we found out the good news. They came and I put Reef in his new Big Bro shirt I had purchased at Kohl's that week. I handed him a I'm a big brother book to ask the grandparents to read. My mom was the first to see it and she had the biggest grin on her face. Next Reef went to Grammy and Pop Pop. They were shocked! We had a good time talking and getting ready to paint the next day.

Saturday morning arrives and I start prepping the walls for painting and getting the small section of the kitchen painted quickly. Breanna's 30th birthday was today so we were having her kick a$$ 80's party tonight. (the next section is graphic)

We got a lot done and around 3 o'clock I went down stairs to take a shower (usually I'm upstairs, but we had just painted.) As I undressed I noticed I had a large blood stain in my underwear. I immediately thought the worst, but kept a good spirit because of the party this evening. As I monitored my bleeding throughout the evening, it was staying the same and was still scaring me because I didn't bleed at all with Reef.

Sunday morning I noticed a decrease in the amount of bleeding so my hopes rose just a tiny bit. We went on as normal, but I tried to keep my feet up and relax as much as possible.

Monday morning I called the doctor as soon as they opened and told my nurse the situation. I went in to get a HCG blood test done and then a repeat test on Wednesday. Even less blood today that turned brownish.

Tuesday went by and still had the same brownish blood. As I buckled Reef into his car seat, my phone rang. It said PRIVATE, so I knew it had to be from my Dr. I was curious as to why I didn't get a call yesterday with the results, but "no news is good news" right? My nurse asked me if I had gotten the results from the HCG test and of course I answered no...was I supposed to call them? Her voice kind of faltered and said that my HCG levels were at 0 when they tested, so I had, in fact, lost the baby. It didn't hit me as hard as I thought it would, at first. But, that didn't last long. As I started driving down "D" street on the way back home, I dialed up my mom's cell. When she answered all I could squeeze out was Mom. Tears started flowing and they didn't stop until I went to bed Tuesday night. I was able to tell my in-laws, dad and Jared via the phone, but everyone else got a text message because I just couldn't bear to say those dreaded words, "I had a miscarriage."

It has now been almost 3 weeks since first blood was sighted and as I think to myself, I should be almost 8 weeks pregnant instead of wondering when we will conceive again. I have found comfort in talking to friends whom have gone through this and turning to the internet for answers how my feelings correspond to others. I know everyone grieves a different way, but I am confused in how to think about this baby that we lost. Am I a mother of 2? When we get pregnant again will it be baby #3? I know that will confuse people if I tell them I'm expecting #3, but I feel since I have been pregnant 2 times, even though the second time ended around 5 weeks, in God's eyes (and mine) he or she was a person. Jeremiah 1:5 confirms this and is comforting. "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you."

I'm sure this confuses some, but it was my time to get this off my chest and be at peace.